Please burn this Trax with fire. Signed, Burt Reynolds

An open letter to the buyer of Mecum Auctions Las Vegas Lot 104, the 2024 Chevrolet Trax Bandit Outlaw Edition:

Sorry, but we really can’t be friends anymore.

We tolerated you wearing lampshades for hats, insisting that American Idol singer William Hung was “pretty darn underrated,” and for saying that you like your sauerkraut “the sauerer the better, ha ha ha!”

But we must draw the line at your new Chevrolet Trax Bandit Outlaw Edition. If our feet were severed in a horrible accident, we’d turn down a ride to the hospital in your car; we’d just hobble there on our bloody stumps. If Sally Field (she’s still alive, correct?) beckoned from the back seat, we’d just wave her on by. If Kim Kardashian was driving—well, we’d say that’s about right.

Really, what were you thinking? That “no reserve” was in reference to your will power?

And what was the creator thinking? That it would be funny to make a Smokey and the Bandit tribute out of a 1.2-liter, three-cylinder, Korean-built SUV? That it would be ironic? A commentary on our petroleum-dependent society? That you could flip it for a profit? Or just flip it, period? We’d like to ask the builder, who appears to have signed his or her name on the one-of-one certificate that came with the car as Srgspae, but we have had zero luck in locating a customizer by that name.

Don’t you see the problem, dude? There’s no CB radio. 10-4?

Sad.

Sincerely,

Everybody

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