Can I Interest You in A Foreign Investment Opportunity?
My friend Connor and I are cut from the same weird, cheap, and often French cloth. (Regular readers of this column may remember him from Against All Oddities adventures as the Renault Rescue.) We met first over Peugeots—he had a 604 and I had a 405. Conner bought my Daihatsu Charade and kept my Ami mostly safe while I was in Germany. We are part of a group text chat, populated with a handful of other automotive dirtbags, that brings nothing but trouble.
Our latest endeavor: We have formed an investment conglomerate. Our business model? Listen up, Sharks. Here’s our pitch:
About a week ago, Connor sent me a listing he knew would be delectable kryptonite: an exceedingly rare French car, at a low price, in a far-off location. When people hear “beautiful and rare car” they think it will cost megabucks, which is, in this case, patently untrue. Between you and me, the values of neglected Gallic trashboxes are creeping up around here but not yet too far out of my humble reach.
Alright, no more delay: What is it and why would I want such a thing?
The car in question is a ’66 Simca 1000S Bertone Coupe, listed at a farm auction in Nebraska. The Simca Bertone Coupe was exceptionally beautiful, slow, and rare (in that order). Based on a budget-friendly three-box, rear-engined Mille sedan, the coupe was a mildly quicker yet infinitely sexier, special-bodied version that was nevertheless available at your local Chrysler dealer. And, of course, nostalgia has value—it had been over a decade since I daily drove a Simca!
Neither Connor nor I could possibly accommodate another whole car in our lives… but halves? We could manage that. We decided to invest equally in this disintegrating promising asset. We agreed that Connor would handle all manner of deal brokering and negotiations, whether that being flying to Nebraska for financial discussions or waiting for said farm auction site, seemingly designed to run on Netscape Navigator, to reload and register his bid during a work meeting. Connor’s strengths include logistical acumen and the ability to facilitate transportation, be it by sea, air, or by lowballing some energy drink addict to tow the thing for a sum of under-the-table cash.
My contributions would include a 50 percent financial stake, paid incrementally in small PayPal deposits whenever financially feasible. Additionally, I would be in charge of all governmental and regulatory aspects of the deal (waiting in line at the DMV, for instance). Furthermore, I could offer secure storage of said asset and added value via maintenance USPs—replacing fuel lines and stuff.
Together, Sharks, our Multi-State Conglomerate will merge our commercial and technical skills to maximize our KPIs: obscurity, beauty, and impossibility of locating spare parts. Once relocated to an area with a higher density of Simca connoisseurs and brought to a running condition, we could stand to make literally dozens of dollars.
End of pitch.
We won the auction with a $1001 bid.
Connor hopped to it with the shipping and payment planning, while I calculated the potential savings of eating nothing but fresh eggs and items from my spring garden for the next two months. I paid him as I could and noodled about where to store the thing. I determined the best place for it was next to my other French asset (in similar bad condition and blue-ish color), in my recently acquired ex-foundry storage facility.
The auction fees were paid ($1100), a shipper was booked, and now all we could do was wait for the car to arrive in Statesville. The interlude was fortunately brief—just a few short days later, I got a call informing me that the car would arrive… now-ish. I headed down to the foundry expecting to see a hot-shot rig full of luxury cars, with the diminutive Simca hanging off the end. Instead, an F-150 with Texas plates and a beat-all-to-hell 18-foot dovetail trailer with New York plates had ridden all the way from the Lone Star State, to Nebraska, and finally to North Carolina with only the Bertone coupe on board.
I crunched some numbers and couldn’t rationalize such a low shipping bill for this type of service. But alas, it wasn’t my job to understand. The nice man, who hailed from Tbilisi, reversed painlessly into the compound and helped me shove the Simca into a bay. As we rolled towards the Moskvich 407 sedan, he shrieked “Moskvitchka!” surely having seen many growing up in the former Soviet republic. I aired up his ailing trailer tires and off he went, leaving me with the little blue French car and the hope that he remembered to factor in a profit margin on his bid.
Buying any car sight unseen obviously carries risk. Buying 40-year dormant, special-bodied French cars constructed of unobtainable parts and made from low-quality steel? Welcome to the summit of the risk pyramid.
I FaceTimed Connor to include him as I poked around the car for the first time. To our conglomerate’s unbelievable shock, the car was exactly as advertised. We had known about a rotten driver’s side floor from the auction photos, but closer inspection revealed no rot around any seams. That’ll be easy to patch.
My wife, Dana, found the owner’s manual detailing the many delicate switches and their intricacies. The temptation to try them all was simply too high for me to resist. I grabbed my great Balkan Wohnmobil battery and hooked it up with some jumper cables. When no smoke billowed from behind the dash, I determined that the 1000’s first test had been passed. While Dana read aloud each knob’s function, I attempted its function, with Connor observing via video chat. Now that the lights and wipers seemed to work at least somewhat, why not see how the starter motor responds to some voltage?
The engine rolled over by hand, which, given the car was last plated in 1982, I didn’t really expect. Despite the great results on the grab-the-fanbelt-and-pull test, the starter still refused to move the engine. I suspect bad hot and ground connections throughout the starting circuit.
So, now what? Well, as a good first step, the Nebraska title arrived in the mail to Connor, so we’re officially owners of a—let me double check what it says on the paper—”Beretone.” Does a full restoration make sense? Not for this venture. The idea is to get it back on the road for as little financial investment as possible. Given our dreams of wheezing down the Charleston battery with the windows down for not much more than a couple grand, the ROI will be tough to match.
There is a lot of space in that foundry judging from the photos. So are we about to be treated to the second coming of The Hack Mechanic? His total is up to or down to 10-14 BMWs and few other off brand car. You have some catching up to do. So with him covering the Germans are we going to be treated to other unique brands from the continent? You do have two advantages over Rob: he is land locked in Boston while you have a whole factory and he only has 2-3 months a year when the weather is conducive to working on cars where as you have 10 months of decent weather.
Ha! Regardless of space and car count, I can’t compete with the experience of the Hack Mechanic.
Give it time… remember THM collects cars from companies still in business and well-represented in the USA.
I pay attention to unusual cars, but haven’t seen a Simca since I was in high school, 50 years ago.
Good job saving this one- best of luck!
If there is anyone out there that can point me in the direction of internal engine parts fitting the 315 engine they would be on a pedestal most high.— Tom.
Love these cars, best of luck getting it back on the road. If you end up putting $5k-$10k into it, I think the car is worth that in the end.
Thanks! The hope is to keep it in the low 4-digit spend with a lot of elbow grease. We’ll see where it goes!
That Simca has some lines that are vaguely reminiscent of the old ’70-ish Fiat 850s (which, if memory serves, were also styled by Bertone). The taillights look suspiciously like they might even interchange. Possibly parts are as unobtainable as one might think?!?!
Anyway, I’m thoroughly enjoying this installment in the “Foundry Follies”. And I’m co-opting the phrase “a handful of automotive dirtbags, that brings nothing but trouble” to use as the motto for a new car club that I am thinking of forming with no one but my closest friends as members. Thanks for the giggles and snorts, Matthew!
I’ve heard from several sources that some Fiat 850 parts cross to the Simca. I guess the only way to find out…would be to buy one!
There you go!
You did the right thing, and there’s no point in anyone arguing about it. There was one of these on BaT about a year and a half ago and it was all I could do to not buy it. The only thing keeping me from doing it was that I had just bought a ’63 Riviera on BaT that hadn’t even been delivered, and it also needed a lot of work.
I’m enjoying your series. I also have too many cars for my space (although you’ve remedied that problem), an obliging wife, and a love for stuff that spent a lot of time off the road and doesn’t always fit the popular description of “dream car.”
I know the feeling well. I guess it’s rare that a car wouldn’t come around again at a more opportune time. There are more out there so I think you did the right thing too.
Looks like the car was stored at Darnell’s garage in the movie “Christine”. If it comes in one night all charred and smoking, don’t sit in the driver’s seat.
Wow, the similarities are striking!
This is my favourite series on this site. Congrats on the new “asset”!
Awesome, Colton. I am really happy to hear that!
I don’t have a barn or cash, but I enjoy the read.
Great idea!
“Welcome to the summit of the risk pyramid”
I doubled over in laughter over this…….loved the article, thanks!
That’s a pretty cool piece, and looks like some detailing and re-covering the dash pad will spruce it up without hiding its originality. Looks to me a lot like a Corvair. And I envy your space – I’ve always wanted a cool old commercial building for a toy shop; but I squandered my money elsewhere in Life, and under-achieved in financial wizardry and testicular fortitude.
I don’t know what it is about shipping vehicles but I think the Russian Mafia runs the whole system. Can’t really complain about the pricing for shipping a car but man their equipment is trash! Note the mismatched trailer wheels in one of the photos. Most of their haul vehicles are dualies with a million miles on them and the trailers are worse. Not to mention the driver doesn’t speak a lick of English and is spooled up on Monsters from being on duty for the last 28 hours straight. I have no idea how these guys keep their CDL.
Hot Shot drivers don’t need a CDL (if hauling under 10,000 lb. loads).
I had the exact opposite experience three years ago. Had a car shipped from North Carolina to Colorado – it arrived in a brand new enclosed single car trailer being pulled by a brand new duallie pickup being driven by a very nice friendly guy from the U.S. Perhaps I am one of the lucky few. It was also delivered at a very reasonable rate. Maybe I better quit while I am ahead in the shipping game.
The key to inexpensive shipping is to use a broker, and give them a flexible time-line. I forget the exact price, but shipping a car from Sarasota to W. MI “kind of soon, but no rush” was half the price of “I need it very soon”. This was a three-car ramp trailer already committed to two cars to a stop 50 miles from me. Patience pays.
As an army brat, I spent my early life until my late teens on an army base in southern Alberta, Canada and saw several of this type of odd vehicle being brought back to Canada by my friend’s parents when they rotated back form West Germany. This would include the more mundane version of your little Simca and the occasional Renault Dauphine. These cars inevitably would up moldering in drive ways because of mechanical issues or a lack of spares and often were towed away to be crushed (thank heavens for the internet today).
I look forward to seeing how well this project goes along and wish you luck. While engine swaps are common these days, I would not recommend you drop an LS1 in the back but you might be able toe find a salvable Coventry climax engine that was used in the Hillman Imp and resto-mod the little beast which would really give it some zip! Good luck on your adventures and and keep us posted.
This should be an interesting story. Dare I ask how much work is that engine going to take?
Ugh – the auction fees exceeded the winning bid?? If I were a shark on any level, investing in an auction business would be on my radar….DUB6: as a proven automotive dirtbag, if you send me an application to your club I will complete and return it promptly!
Oh, don’t worry, the auction fees were only like $100. Everything all up with door to door shipping was a touch over $2k.
You got it, pal!