Sear your retinas pink with this heinous ’63 Chevy Biscayne

When I heard Mecum had consigned a 409-powered 1963 Chevrolet Biscayne wagon to its Indianapolis sale, I had to see if it was the wagon for me. After all, I’m a sucker for old American wagons.

I found the listing. A 409 mated to a four-speed. 1990s wheels. Just needs finishing touches. Then my eyes nearly melted in their sockets after one look at that abominable pink paint job. Oh, the humanity!

There’s more. The engine compartment looks like someone got a bulk discount on AN fittings. The red and blue fittings fill the engine compartment like bracelets on Richard Rawlings’ arms. Offenhauser finned valve covers and a billet serpentine belt setup constitute a combination of old and new that just doesn’t jive. The wheels are peak ’90s and the interior is lacking more than a few items—including the accelerator pedal.

Yet with all that ugly going on, I find myself picturing it doing donuts (or is it brodies?) in a grocery store parking lot. Just this eye-searing wagon belching smoke from the wheelwells and a rowdy exhaust filling the air with raucous noise. I certainly couldn’t run and hide after the fact, but what a way to make a scene, like a vintage Bazooka bubble-gum-hauler gone berserk.

This Biscayne certainly has potential, but the price it realizes at auction just might be its real value—less the cost of a fresh coat of paint.