7 jokes just for car people
Just because we take cars seriously doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at ourselves. Jokes are a type of secret handshake, after all, based in common understanding and shared experience. If you tell a joke and the other person in the conversation does not get it, that reaction tells you just as much as if they laughed out loud. So let’s take a moment to call out a few of the “greatest hits” in the library of automotive jokes.
The 10mm socket
Where is that socket? How did it get there? How will I work without it? The answers to these questions are among the great mysteries of the automotive universe. If your favorite vintage cars are domestic, swap out 10mm for 1/2- or 7/16-inch, either wrench or socket.
Modern cars are riddled with 10mm fasteners, and the tool you use most frequently is likely to disappear first. The prevalance of 10mm bolts and nuts becomes a blessing and a curse: grabbing tools when starting a job or packing a road trip tool kit is quite simple, but one lost tool can cripple your night.
The ol’ 710
Engineers work tirelessly to balance form with the function we consumers expect in a car. Unfortunately, that balancing act is usually constrained by the “good, cheap, fast” triangle: You can only pick two.
The third part of the regular-car triangle is serviceability. Even experienced mechanics need a minute to get their bearings when looking around under an unfamiliar hood. A newbie? Before you know it, someone’s posting on r/cars: “I need to fill my oil but can only find the 710 cap.”
You know, 710 = OIL upside down. It’s all perspective.
“Ran when parked”
We all do a lot of digital (or real-life) window shopping, and we’ve all seen sellers who hide behind the phrase “ran when parked.” The circular nature of the phrase—you can’t park something that is not drivable—is humorous by itself, of course, and it is often found in the text of an ad selling the most decrepit hulk you’ve ever seen.
Sure, that vehicle might have run when you parked it … during the Reagan administration. Leaving a car parked is one of the worst things you can do if you want to maintain any value or function. Rot never sleeps, and neither do the vermin who make nests in intake manifolds.
Winterizing swaps
The cruelness of Mother Nature knows no bounds. Much ink has been spilled over how to properly store a car in harsh seasons—be it the summer months for those in the desert regions or the winter months for those in the rust belt—but best of all are the humorous twists on that advice. Example A:
“I know what I’ve got”
Usually combined with a ludicrous asking price, the five-word phrase has become synonymous with an overconfident seller. In the same vein as the worst examples of a “ran when parked” seller, such a person is usually hoping the buyer does little or no independent research. Occasionally, a seller who knows what they’ve got is asking a reasonable price, more often, this phrase paints the seller in a negative light: Potential buyers expect that even good faith negotiations or discussion will be met gruffly, at best.
“It’s only a 15-minute job”
The lies we tell ourselves may stay secret, but this one got out, and we all collectively cringed—then laughed. There might be a real job that takes 15 minutes, but such projects are relatively rare. Often, jobs take longer than expected because the car has lived multiple lives: Broken hardware, corrosion, and questionable discoveries all complicate our estimated project timelines. Maybe our clocks just work differently when we are wrenching, and we think an hour was just 15 minutes? Who knows. It’s just another form of creative accounting.
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I had an uncle who owned a station in Floral Park, NY. When the Hyundai first came to the US. a customer came into the shop with a 40,000mile Elantra which was blowing a lot of smoke out of the tailpipe. With his crazy sense of humor, he tells the customer the car must have gas. She says I just filled it up. He then tells her “you don’t fix these cars, you just throw them away”.
Note to Sajeev: These are humorous but actual occurences but maybe not for this thread.
I went to a Volvo off-lease sale once just after Ford was dismantling Jacque Nasser’s Premier Division. Some execs came ovr before the sale and asked what I thought of them selling Jaguar and Land Rover to Tata Motors in India. I congratulated them for getting rid of the highest warranty claim vehicles sold, but now I understood only big Jaguars and Land-Rovers would be sold. “Why?”, they asked. “Because everybody likes big ta-tas”, I answered.
Some guys from Chrysler Credit stopped at my store to get input during the 2008 financial meltdown. I told them you’re asking the wrong guy. To me the difference between a Chrysler product and a social disease is you can take pills to get rid of the the social disease- and it was more fun to acquire in the first place!
A friend of mine is a Mazda dealer in Michigan. They sold a new Miata to a lady. It is a given that no one is as religious as a new convert- and she was over the top. “I love this car! I love you guys! You gave me such a great deal ! I’m telling eveybody to come here!”
After about 6000 miles reality set in. If a Miata runs over a dime you can tell if it was heads or tails and how a coin dealer would grade it. You climb down into it and up out of it. It’s noisier on the highway. All the normal things that are part of a true sportscar.
And it is also true that no one is as much an atheist as somebody that just lost the faith.
She came back to the dealer and wanted them to buy it back, The dealer said sure, you’e put 6K miles on it, we’d pay X$$$ for it. She went ballistic. “You #4%#^^# me when I bought it and you’re trying ro &^$#^& me now.” He asked her to please watch her language. She replied, “I’ll talk any %^&$%# way I want”. He asked. “Do you have Tourette Syndrome?” To which she perfectly answered, “What the f— is that?” Can you think of a better answer?
I am sure you don’t want these published. But if you want more, lots more are available.
All true and funny experiences from my 67 years as a new and used imported car dealer. Ask about my (with apologies but in context) “Fag Jag” or my “Rolls-Canardley”. Thanks.
Ya know, maybe we should make a list of “7 Jokes just for people in the car business.”
My favorite: How can you tell if the customer is lying? Check to see if they are opening their mouth.
Today’s installment of actual happenings:
Originally sold new.
One owner (at a time).
My all-time (again real) call from a shady wholesaler on Jerome Ave. in the Bronx: “I wouldn’t lie to you- especially on the phone.” Was Ma Bell listening in?.
My credit is good (not)/ my credit is shaky (terrible)/ I might have a little problem (not a shot)/ do you carry your own accounts?(because nobody else will touch me).
Overheard at a special finance office.”These payments are $25 a month more than you said!”. Answer. “Whadda you care? You ain’t gonna make ’em anyhow!”
Overheard at a tote-the-note dealer on a Monday: “please, please, Mr. Lee. I need a car dreadful bad. I’ll give you $300 down and $50 every Friday”. The same person on Friday, ” This car needs spark plugs! I ain’t makin’ no payments on car that needs spark plugs!”
Is it my computer, or do I only count 6 jokes in the story?
I’ve made mutilple trips to the local Ford dealers to buy a truck. The clowns say tnhey never heard of a Ford FISO (F150)
Had a friend who worked @ a GM dealership back I’m the late 80’s.
He said they got a call from a customer wanting to schedule service.
When asked what kind of car he had he said it was a Goose.
Turned out it was a Pontiac 6000 SE.
Factory repaint
It will be in the 710 drain pan below, always is.
90% finished just needs paint and upholstery.
For the 10mm socket dilemma, Harbor Freight comes to the rescue with this awesome set for only $15.
You’re welcome, America.
https://www.harborfreight.com/10mm-metric-essential-socket-set-10-piece-58957.html
710 reminded me of the days I worked in a repair shop. A gentleman called wanting a price for exhaust on his Pontiac Goose. The receptionist asked us mechanics what a goose was. We were all stumped until one of the mechanics picked up the phone and says “sir, are you talking about a Pontiac 6000SE? He was and the mechanic replied “goose is spelled with 2 O’s just like Bob.”
I’m surprised no one had previously asked what FORD stands for. Is it Fix Or Repair Daily, or Found On Road Dead?
how about the apprentice sent to the stores for a can of compressed air for the spare tire.
ran when parked… or how about new breaks… new breaks?? like what broke? they’re there their/// then / than
15 min jobs… like a 2 hour brake job turned into a 2 day job.
My wife just got her the new 2010 Honda Insight Hybrid….she was telling people its a hybrid because it hibernates at red lights!!!! I just shook my head and laughed my butt off.
My brother wanted to check out the car and we told him it needed vocally tell the dashboard to know his name, age, height, and weight in order to calculate the proper power to operate for the best efficiency. “My name is Robert, 51, 6 foot tall and weigh 198 pounds” THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY!!!
I love the sellers who say ” it doesn’t run but only needs this 50 dollar sensor replaced to run , that’s why the price is low because it doesn’t start”….wouldn’t common sense dictate that you should spend the replace the part and ask more since it now runs properly?