7 jokes just for car people
Just because we take cars seriously doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at ourselves. Jokes are a type of secret handshake, after all, based in common understanding and shared experience. If you tell a joke and the other person in the conversation does not get it, that reaction tells you just as much as if they laughed out loud. So let’s take a moment to call out a few of the “greatest hits” in the library of automotive jokes.
The 10mm socket
Where is that socket? How did it get there? How will I work without it? The answers to these questions are among the great mysteries of the automotive universe. If your favorite vintage cars are domestic, swap out 10mm for 1/2- or 7/16-inch, either wrench or socket.
Modern cars are riddled with 10mm fasteners, and the tool you use most frequently is likely to disappear first. The prevalance of 10mm bolts and nuts becomes a blessing and a curse: grabbing tools when starting a job or packing a road trip tool kit is quite simple, but one lost tool can cripple your night.
The ol’ 710
Engineers work tirelessly to balance form with the function we consumers expect in a car. Unfortunately, that balancing act is usually constrained by the “good, cheap, fast” triangle: You can only pick two.
The third part of the regular-car triangle is serviceability. Even experienced mechanics need a minute to get their bearings when looking around under an unfamiliar hood. A newbie? Before you know it, someone’s posting on r/cars: “I need to fill my oil but can only find the 710 cap.”
You know, 710 = OIL upside down. It’s all perspective.
“Ran when parked”
We all do a lot of digital (or real-life) window shopping, and we’ve all seen sellers who hide behind the phrase “ran when parked.” The circular nature of the phrase—you can’t park something that is not drivable—is humorous by itself, of course, and it is often found in the text of an ad selling the most decrepit hulk you’ve ever seen.
Sure, that vehicle might have run when you parked it … during the Reagan administration. Leaving a car parked is one of the worst things you can do if you want to maintain any value or function. Rot never sleeps, and neither do the vermin who make nests in intake manifolds.
Winterizing swaps
The cruelness of Mother Nature knows no bounds. Much ink has been spilled over how to properly store a car in harsh seasons—be it the summer months for those in the desert regions or the winter months for those in the rust belt—but best of all are the humorous twists on that advice. Example A:
“I know what I’ve got”
Usually combined with a ludicrous asking price, the five-word phrase has become synonymous with an overconfident seller. In the same vein as the worst examples of a “ran when parked” seller, such a person is usually hoping the buyer does little or no independent research. Occasionally, a seller who knows what they’ve got is asking a reasonable price, more often, this phrase paints the seller in a negative light: Potential buyers expect that even good faith negotiations or discussion will be met gruffly, at best.
“It’s only a 15-minute job”
The lies we tell ourselves may stay secret, but this one got out, and we all collectively cringed—then laughed. There might be a real job that takes 15 minutes, but such projects are relatively rare. Often, jobs take longer than expected because the car has lived multiple lives: Broken hardware, corrosion, and questionable discoveries all complicate our estimated project timelines. Maybe our clocks just work differently when we are wrenching, and we think an hour was just 15 minutes? Who knows. It’s just another form of creative accounting.
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Long ago and nearby, a kid would get a summer job at a dealership cleaning parts and doing errands for the mechanics. One of the mechanics would take the kid aside, and explain the workings of whatever he was doing, and relate that he needed a “left handed monkey wrench” to finish the job that he was working on. The kid was then sent to another dealership, looking for said wrench, and they would explain that theirs had been stolen, but recommended another shop that just might have one. This continued for most of the day until a compassionate mechanic “spilled the beans” and explained the ruse. Needless to say, management was not impressed at the time wasted, but got a laugh out of it anyway.
True story – I was at a Trans Am race a couple of weeks ago, and was walking by the garages. A mechanic was working under the hood of one of the cars, and dropped the wrench he was using. He gave a brief look of disgust at himself. I said, couldn’t be a 10mm, it fell all the way through. He laughed and replied t actually WAS a 10mm, and that was like the only metric on the car!
Funny, but how can one take a photo of the “710” cap when it is lost? Nobody takes a photo of their oil cap before they lose it! 🤔
In the mid 70’s I worked with a guy at Kennedy Airport in New York who was selling his Plain Jane Chevy Nova. To promote the car he bragged to potential buyers that “It’s Maintenance Free! 38,000 miles and I’ve never even had to change the oil!” Nobody bought it!
He was the same guy who would remove a fan belt and install a new one without loosening the alternator. He did it with the engine running and a long screwdriver, which would fly 20+ feet in the process. LOL
Guy was not overly bright! As the saying goes: “He was touched in the head!”
Was wife’s car: runs good anyway…
When GM went to HEI distributors an early ad boasted that the new ignition was “totally pointless”.
Back in the mid 80’s I had an elderly woman customer come into our shop and asked if while we were servicing her 1954 Cadillac car we could check the body. Of course I asked why so that I would know what we were looking for. We were informed that the car was now scraping the plants on the side of the driveway and she felt the body had spread. “It never did that in before” was her answer.
If the elderly woman wanted you to check the body, she probably hadn’t had HER body checked in a while!
Salesman comment on silver gray station wagon: “This is a really good color for this part of the country”.
A friend was so busy with life and work he ignored the red dash light until the engine imploded…
The mechanic said “ you know, it doesn’t get any redder”.
Then there is the time I was ordering a clutch for my F150, as the counter an was walking away I called out
“ I need a clutch dummy” he turned back at me almost ready to kill, then realized I was looking for the alignment tool…..
One of my least favorite comments in “For Sale” ads is the word, FIRM, next to the asking price. That’s usually enough to make me go straight to the next ad.
How about good condition, no rust, just needs new passenger floor pan and trunk has two small holes.
I laugh when they say, “Sold with Bill of Sale. It is easy to get a bonded title.” Really? if it is so easy….
Another is when it says, “clean title.” Titled, yes but in whose name? I like it when they say, “titled in my name.”
I don’t think anyone has mentioned why Yugo’s have a rear defroster. So people can keep their hands warm when they are pushing it.
At car shows I would tell people checking out my 68 Austin Mini that the (Lucas) lights had three settings: Dim, Flicker, and Off.
My favourite Peter Egan quote!
I used to live close to an independent parts store run by a knowledgeable owner with a sense of humor who only hired people who could keep up with him. One of the things they would do when they were bored would be to call a chain store for a quote on a water pump for a Corvair.
You forgot the infamous:
“That’ll buff right out!”