7 jokes just for car people
Just because we take cars seriously doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at ourselves. Jokes are a type of secret handshake, after all, based in common understanding and shared experience. If you tell a joke and the other person in the conversation does not get it, that reaction tells you just as much as if they laughed out loud. So let’s take a moment to call out a few of the “greatest hits” in the library of automotive jokes.
The 10mm socket
Where is that socket? How did it get there? How will I work without it? The answers to these questions are among the great mysteries of the automotive universe. If your favorite vintage cars are domestic, swap out 10mm for 1/2- or 7/16-inch, either wrench or socket.
Modern cars are riddled with 10mm fasteners, and the tool you use most frequently is likely to disappear first. The prevalance of 10mm bolts and nuts becomes a blessing and a curse: grabbing tools when starting a job or packing a road trip tool kit is quite simple, but one lost tool can cripple your night.
The ol’ 710
Engineers work tirelessly to balance form with the function we consumers expect in a car. Unfortunately, that balancing act is usually constrained by the “good, cheap, fast” triangle: You can only pick two.
The third part of the regular-car triangle is serviceability. Even experienced mechanics need a minute to get their bearings when looking around under an unfamiliar hood. A newbie? Before you know it, someone’s posting on r/cars: “I need to fill my oil but can only find the 710 cap.”
You know, 710 = OIL upside down. It’s all perspective.
“Ran when parked”
We all do a lot of digital (or real-life) window shopping, and we’ve all seen sellers who hide behind the phrase “ran when parked.” The circular nature of the phrase—you can’t park something that is not drivable—is humorous by itself, of course, and it is often found in the text of an ad selling the most decrepit hulk you’ve ever seen.
Sure, that vehicle might have run when you parked it … during the Reagan administration. Leaving a car parked is one of the worst things you can do if you want to maintain any value or function. Rot never sleeps, and neither do the vermin who make nests in intake manifolds.
Winterizing swaps
The cruelness of Mother Nature knows no bounds. Much ink has been spilled over how to properly store a car in harsh seasons—be it the summer months for those in the desert regions or the winter months for those in the rust belt—but best of all are the humorous twists on that advice. Example A:
“I know what I’ve got”
Usually combined with a ludicrous asking price, the five-word phrase has become synonymous with an overconfident seller. In the same vein as the worst examples of a “ran when parked” seller, such a person is usually hoping the buyer does little or no independent research. Occasionally, a seller who knows what they’ve got is asking a reasonable price, more often, this phrase paints the seller in a negative light: Potential buyers expect that even good faith negotiations or discussion will be met gruffly, at best.
“It’s only a 15-minute job”
The lies we tell ourselves may stay secret, but this one got out, and we all collectively cringed—then laughed. There might be a real job that takes 15 minutes, but such projects are relatively rare. Often, jobs take longer than expected because the car has lived multiple lives: Broken hardware, corrosion, and questionable discoveries all complicate our estimated project timelines. Maybe our clocks just work differently when we are wrenching, and we think an hour was just 15 minutes? Who knows. It’s just another form of creative accounting.
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The classic “ran when parked” gets me every time. I will ask the seller: “if it was running so well when it was parked, then why was it parked?”…oh, you meant to say that it was running perfectly fine when it was parked right up until engine blew up!
“solid car” – it’s all rusted together.
“Drive it home” – I live on a hill
What’s the best thing about French cars?
Most of them are in Italy.
No no! The best thing about French cars is most of them are in France!
“EVEN THE FRENCH DON’T DRIVE FRENCH CARS” (honest quote from my Uncle when I thought about buying a Renault Dauphine)
Wise man!
many decades ago Car & Driver published a letter to the editor: Bad luck is being in a toll booth line with a Ford Pinto in front of you and an Audi 5000 behind you.
Took me a second…
I like “great patina on this rare vehicle”.
As I write this I’m looking at three spaces in my drawer for 10mm sockets and two are empty.
I think there is another side to “I know what I’ve got”. I think people use that to try and deflect the myriad of low ballers and critics. That, along with “I don’t need any help selling this.”
“Very little rust.”
It’s just surface rust……
It will buff right out!
I’m terrible, I know. I once told a girl that you needed to periodically change the air in her tires. The fumes build up inside and can eat away at the tire, causing a blowout. To check to see if you are due, let out a little air and see if it smells like rubber. That’s why gas stations all have air pumps. I almost let her go to a station and ask to have her air exchanged but I relented (to keep her as a friend).
I also would tell riders that I could tell how far my seat belt has extended and that the seat had sensors for weight, causing females to push their feet on the floor and keep the belt really tight. People don’t wonder why I didn’t get married until later in life…
I worked at a tire store in the late 1970’s that prided itself in customer service. We had a customer that was convinced that changing the air in the tires was important and would periodically bring it in for just that. We just did it and tried not to laugh in front of him.
Got a frantic call from my wife while I was at work. “There’s a light on the dash that looks like a volcano, is it safe to drive?” I racked my brain trying to figure out what the light meant on a 2000 audi a6, is it going to blow up, is the turbo on fire?!. Went online, couldn’t figure it out. Told her to check the owner’s manual in the glovebox. Got a call a few minutes later, “oh, it looks like I need washer fluid.” Well at least she knew to check what the light meant in case driving would damage the car.
I’m ashamed to say that I have a similar story, but this was my son. He comes in one night and said, “Dad, I think my engine is gonna blow up!”, stating that there was a light on the dash indicating that. Confused, I went to the car and sure enough, he was low on washer fluid.
Sadly the technical gene didn’t get handed down to him. He loves cars, but I’m lucky he knows how to put air in the tires, and that’s entirely my fault.
I’ve been chuckling at most of these, but the “volcano light” story made me laugh out loud!
How about “it has a salvage title due to a minor accident several years ago”…sometimes they’ll use “fender bender” instead of “accident”. Anyway, if it was salvaged due to an accident, the damage wasn’t minor, and how does time make that any better?
I also love “installed by prior owner”…Unless discussing a restoration, who cares which prior owner installed something? Usually, they know it is a crappy install and they’re too embarrassed to admit it was them that did it.
They do total a lot of vehicles for minor accidents especially rental ones. If it’s not available to rent the company is loosing money. Especially true if you have to wait to even get it to the body shop and then parts aren’t available for 6weeks. Time also makes a difference if it’s run fine, every still works , tires wearing properly then you can be pretty much assured it was fix right. Just how I look at it. But as always “ buyer be ware “
Regarding rebuilt title cars, nobody should ever be dishonest. I sold many and still drive my rebuilt truck that I bought 14 years ago. I get regular offers from truck lovers. In Alabama, if a car is stolen and found in an alley (out of gas, probably) 2 days after ins company pays off owner it goes to ins salvage sale. I’ve bought quite a few w hardly a scratch. My favorite question is always: “Don’t want rebuilt? Why not? Would you buy a remodeled house that was done right?”
I always shy away from “lady driven”.
What does it really mean?
Clutch and brakes are shot , and it hasn’t had many oil changes.
Just saying….
All depends on the lady. One gal I dated drove a ’67 Dart GT with the 383, 4 spd. She was more in tune with that car and could twist wrenches better than most ‘car guys’ I knew. She could also throw either of my road course cars around a track better than I ever could – something about ‘finesse’ – whatever that is. She also looked one heck of a lot better than any of the arm candy hanging around the tracks. But to your ‘thoughts’, the majority of females I have known will turn up the radio or put on their headphones to overpower that brake squeal or bearing whine.
Hope you married this fabulous lady!
My wife is probably easier on our mustang’s clutch than I am, and she often uses the car’s gears to slow down (as do I), reducing wear on the brakes. And I recall her once urgently reminding me to change the LAWNMOWER’S oil, so you know she would not put up with delayed oil changes in the cars!
It ran……when it left the factory.
“My engine has a clicking sound”…. Answer – “It must be the buckle on the fan belt”
If you pull off a spark plug wire and feel a jolt, your shock absorbers are bad.
Or, you may just be working on a Model T.
I love it when the seller says “new body work and paint”
Can you say “Bondo”