Here’s your chance to spend a spicy Chicago night in the Wienermobile

Sometimes, providence simply shines the way forward, illuminating the path ahead and eliminating any room for doubt, self-consciousness, or hesitation. Soon, I will make a reservation on AirBnB to spend a night inside a Wienermobile. At some point after my wedding. At my fiancée’s insistence.

Yes, when I stumbled across this listing to “Relish a Stay in the Real Oscar Mayer Wienermobile,” I texted it to my wife-to-be, and she promptly demanded we go for our honeymoon. I knew my fate was sealed. In a natural casing of destiny.

Given my last name, it’s not like I had a choice here. I’ve been owning Weiner jokes since elementary school, but I’ve never had the chance to truly rise above the noise and sleep inside a 27-foot-long hot dog. Let that sizzle on the grill for a second.

The Wienermobile is outfitted for two and located in Chicago. And what better place than in the Windy City, home of the most recklessly-topped hot dogs in America? The mustard-squiggled floor, appropriate red and yellow trim, and generous outdoor space make it a perfect spot for a fun getaway weekend. Did I mention the fridge comes stocked with packages of Oscar Mayer wieners, and that they provide a roller grill for you to take home? I’d have to be a real brat to say no to this opportunity.

Of course, I’d be lucky to win this night inside a wiener-shaped bus. Every other living human, I assume, will be vying for this chance when reservations open on July 24. I’ll be glued to the screen, waiting to click on the link.

This isn’t the first Wienermobile stunt, either. Earlier this year, Oscar Mayer opened up applications to become a Wienermobile driver. As if the greatest job on America’s roads wasn’t already obvious, suddenly I and everyone in America was trying to ketchup to my long-held wishes.

Let’s hope I win this time around. Frankly, I couldn’t handle another letdown.